Wedding planning is a weird business. You start totally sane, just thinking about having the chance to commit your life to the person you love. But however sensible and normal you think you are? Trust me. It creeps into your blood.
I went from “Let’s just have a nice chilled afternoon with some booze” to my fiancé finding me crying because all the outdoor weddings on Pinterest involve jam jars and I DON’T WANT JAM JARS.
So you’d think that future brides up and down the country would be pretty worried to read that only 43 per cent of us are going to get a satisfactory wedding night bonk.
According to new research from MedExpress.co.uk, a huge 57 per cent of women reported having disappointing sex on their wedding night.
But if there is nationwide bridal outcry, it’s certainly not affecting me. I’ve got the secret, the magic trick that will prevent any disappointing sex on your wedding night. You ready?
Don’t have sex.
We’ve all been told that the wedding night is supposed to be the most romantic you’ll ever have, right? Your husband carries you over the threshold, throws you down on to the rose-petal strewn bed and makes passionate love to you until the wee hours. But I don’t buy it.
Here’s how I know things will go if I attempt marital coitus on my wedding night.
Fiancé, who is slight of build, will try to lift me over the threshold. I will have been dieting (and feeling guilty about turning my back on body positive feminist principles) in order to fit in to my dress, for a year. Fiancé will make a noise that belies effort in picking me up. I will then burst into drunken, messy tears - initially about the fact he thinks I’m fat but mainly about the wedding being over and the fact one of my school friends gave me a weird look as I came down the aisle.
Once I’d eventually stopped weeping – and this is a very real problem, 5 per cent of men surveyed who said their wedding night was unsatisfactory attributed it to the fact that their wife ‘wouldn’t stop crying’ – we’d attempt sex.
I’m going to be wearing the most expensive and complicated dress of my entire life, so getting out of it is going to prove tricky. After all, it probably took four of my best friends all morning to help me to put it on, and he’s just one man facing an onslaught of tiny, tiny buttons.
If the poor bloke does manage to get the dress of then forget any chance of sexy, bridal lingerie. I will have taken no chances of people thinking I might be pregnant by encasing myself, knee to chest in attractive taupe shape wear that looks a lot like a giant TubiGrip (as well as knocking back three bottles of champagne).
If that won’t kill an erection, nothing will.
So let’s say we make it past the drunken crying, the dress, the fact your parents think you’re now shagging and the arousal destroying pants: then what?
You’re just a couple of people in a hotel room, who’ve been drinking since 11am and spent the entire day standing up talking to everyone you’ve ever known and loved. How on earth are you supposed to have the energy to bang?
Well the truth is, you probably won’t. And there’s nothing wrong with that. The mistake is lying to yourself and pretending that you do.
“We didn’t have sex on our wedding night” a close friend told me conspiratorially.
“We were tired. And there were presents to open. Who’s going to have sex when you could open presents instead?”
“I had promised myself we would” said another, “but we were pissed and exhausted. Who wants to start their marriage of with crap sex?”
We’ve inherited this idea that the wedding night is when you have sex, but that’s just a hangover from the days when it meant losing your virginity and ‘validating’ the marriage ceremony.
Thankfully, we haven’t stuck to the tradition of showing the entire village a bloodied sheet, so why are we still obsessed with consummation? In fact, we’re so worried about this totally archaic practice that we’re willing to make our first shag as husband and wife a half-hearted one.
Putting pressure on your wedding to do anything “because you’re supposed to” is a recipe for disaster, but especially when it comes to sex.
Just because it’s your special day, that doesn’t mean chucking all of your usual standards out of the window. You should never accept feeling pressured into it, wedding day or not. Sex is only fun when everyone involved is happily and enthusiastically taking part.
So I have absolutely no intention of wedding laid on my wedding night. After all, isn’t that exactly what the honeymoon is for?
My husband and I separated recently. We’ve been married for six years now and it’s been an abusive relationship in all types of way. I want to figure out myself and fix my own issues so I can be a great mom and wife but I feel like is a waste of time to try to fix my marriage because it’s broken down and I’m emotionally drained,after finding out his cheating escapades from a hacker ''hackingloop6 @ g m a i l . c o m'',who hacked and gained me access to his phone activities. I just want to focus on my kids. And I feel it’s unfair for me to try to fix something that I’m the only one that’s putting effort into
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